We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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