thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
