He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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