so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
