Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
