If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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