I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
