U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
