I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
