3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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