I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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