Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
