Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
