Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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