my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
