just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
