if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
