i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
