She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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