I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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