Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Your penis caused this!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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