I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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