the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
