I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize