For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
