i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
