You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
