The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
