You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
