Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
