I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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