My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
