I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This is classic penis vs brain.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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