How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
