your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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