if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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