Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
