smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Randomize
