like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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