I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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