Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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