she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
