You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
