1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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