i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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