I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
