My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
