I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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