I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
