I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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