Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
