I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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