If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
